Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New Service - Rapture Insurance

As we all know the Rapture will occur sometime this coming weekend. This exciting event will mean the good Christian's of the earth will be zapped up to spend eternity in gods grace. Those who don't believe will be left behind.

So for those who are going up to heaven they should be worried about their EVE account. The many ships, data-cores, isk ... what to do with it. You don't want to come back down to Earth along with Jesus only to find your ships stuck in a station that you no longer have access to.

Fortunately for you there is a great service. Me :)

I unfortunately am not a christian and do not believe that Jesus will save me. This, plus a bunch of bad things I have done over the years, guarantees me a place among the 'left behind'. :(

This leaves me in the ideal place to save your stuff.

So simply contract all your valuable EVE stuff to me (for 0 isk)and I will be sure to take good care of it. You can go in peace knowing that your favorite faction fit Tengu will not be stuck in an enemy station.

As a member of the clusterfuck, Toterra has access to most of NC/Goon/CF/Test space (almost all of 0.0), so this is particularly useful for good Christians in those alliances. Simply leave your stuff where it is and contract it to me. I will promise to get the stuff to empire space by the time you return.

It is VERY important that you not waste until the last moment. Scholars are in disagreement as to the exact time of the Rapture. Will it occur everywhere at once, or will it follow the the sun. DON'T take the risk! You don't want to be about to confirm the contract and then be zapped up to space just before submitting.

How can you be sure that I will follow through?

Simple. If all of my christian fundamentalists friends are zapped up to heaven this weekend I will have to come the conclusion that they are in fact right. I will see the light so to speak. It may be too late but I will do what I can to save my soul. One thing will certainly be to make sure that I fulfill my obligations to those Christians that trusted me.

So you have nothing to loose, contract me your T3/faction stuff today for 0 isk, and know that when you return to earth they will be happily sitting in Jita good as new.

<not for CCP to read>
As a bonus service just email me your account info (username and password) and I will make sure your skill queue is kept up to date.
</not for CCP to read>


  1. I feel I must decline your offer, as your purest generosity would have me believe you might be one of the chosen, and as such, would not be present on this foreboding earth after The Time has come.
    Whilst I need the services of one such as yourself, to be sure that my insurer is left behind, I must find a despicable, evil man to do this task.
    I must find ... a scammer.

  2. Shandir,
    You fail to see the brilliance of this. I mean this to be a scam. Therefore I will not be raptured. It is only after being presented with incontrovertible proof (christian friends being vaporized) that I will see the light and do every good deed that I can including honoring this agreement. It is like that old show 'Felt up by an Angel' (or something). Once the bad guys see that it is an actual in the flesh angel from god telling them that GOD really wants them to return the money to charity, they see the light and return the money.

    Same thing here.

  3. Rapture already?!?

  4. I'll keep it short as I don't want to proselytize; Jesus is strong enough to forgive any sin or set of sins. So there's no excuse as to "well I've sinned too much."

    On this Saturday, anyone can call themselves a Christian (look at President Obama who one moment is a Muslim, the next a Christian), and not everyone believes the person who started the 5-21-2011 statement it will be the end of the world.

  5. WOW Mara,
    Somehow I suspect that you are a white, evangelical, socially conservative, gun-owning, Obama-despising, pro-Tea Party, GOP primary voter who like the white queen believes in 6 impossible things before breakfast.

  6. It all seems to be very man made story. I think all Christians may believe in that. And they will do the things in the ay they are thinking. And this coming weekend would a big day for them.

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